I attended my local county fair today and noticed among the sewing contest entries that someone had entered a Halloween costume designed to make the wearer look like a Taco Bell hot sauce packet. Yes, among the masterful quilts and well-tailored dresses was a large fleece taco sauce packet. If that brave soul could try to bend that contest to her will, I can do the same with a YouTube video.
Should you feel burdened enough with unrequited love to venture into amorous spellcasting, we suggest that you cast these spells alongside proven strategies in securing a partner. Regardless of the inevitable success of any one of the following spells, don’t abandon surefire tactical maneuvers like:
- Wearing dungarees two sizes too snug,
- Bleaching hair to 10A² Extra Chrome Ash Blond
- tatooing the beloved’s name in hieroglyphics on the sole of your left foot
Warning: These spells are contraindicated for those who play the mandolin, listen to Gordon Lightfoot or own a semi-automatic weapon. In a single-blind trial of these spells, 2.5% of spellcasters reported insomnia as a side-effect. 5% reported a doubling of their speaking vocabularies. 3% documented spontaneous gender change. Criminal penalties may apply to casting these spells in the states of Wisconsin and Rhode Island.
Spell 1: Casting the Runes of Self Doubt
Examine the factors that have rendered your desire unrequited.
Why do you think he hasn’t professed his desire for you yet? No matter if you are wanted in five states, we assure you that the only thing standing between you and romantic bliss with him is your self-doubt. Yes, if you are not convinced that he could ever love you, he never will.
To eradicate self-doubt, we suggest the following ritual:
Secure a set of runes carved from sandstone and cast them into a full bathtub. Prepare an olive oil effusion of
- 2 parts powdered diary pages
- 6 parts Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls
- 3 parts belladonna
Preheat bathwater to 95 degrees. Light 6 puce-colored candles along bathtub rim. Pour the olive oil effusion into a supersize atomizer and mist your body with it. Next take a bath in the rune-cast tub while listening to any 6 Stevie Nicks songs of your choice. Retrieve the runes and recast them in your hope chest.
Love shall replace self-doubt within a fortnight.
Spell 2: Conjure the Beloved
Resort to this spell only if you have pined for him in excess of two weeks.
How to Conjure the Beloved
Rent a 13th floor apartment. Furnish it in his-and-hers fashion. Hang an octagonal mirror on the south wall of the living room and attach a gold-lamé tube top to each side. On the next winter solstice, light 759 lavender candles arranged in a tessellating pattern on the living room floor. Base the tessellation on the shape of a hummingbird in flight.
At the stroke of midnight, baste each tube top with a shot of rotgut liquor. Should any liquor remain, drink the rest. Wearing as much eyeliner as possible, stand before the mirror and chant your intended beloved’s middle name 79 times. If you don’t know his middle name, just substitute the letter S, as Harry Truman was wont to do.
Your beloved will abide with you by the next time you spot three gold cars ride down your street in a row.
Spell 3: Is He the One?
Warning: This spell does not function as a warranty for the Conjuring the Beloved spell. Once you’ve Conjured the Beloved, He’s the One,regardless of your satisfaction with the results.
We recommend this spell for women who have suitors to spare. This divination spell will enable you to read fate and choose from would-be beaux appropriately. You must Cast the Runes of Self-Doubt one full moon cycle before you inquire if He’s the One.
If you’d like to know if He’s the One, get two Susan B. Anthony dollars and drop them into an 8-qt stock pot of boiling rosewater. Reduce heat and let simmer for 7 minutes. Turn off heat. Light a silvertone unity candle with two gold tapers. Examine the stockpot and estimate the distance between the coins. If the coins sit less than 37 millimeters apart, he’s the One. Extinguish the candles at your discretion.
Repeat this divination spell for each man in question. Should more than one candidate qualify, pick the gentleman whose coin distance in millimeters is closest to your shoe size.