I Choose to Go to the Moon

As I mentioned in today’s garden post, I had an EMG (electromyogram) test this morning. This test was paired with an NCS (nerve conduction study) to measure possible nerve damage in my L4 root nerve. Long story short, I was mildly (and literally) shocked at points along this root nerve, from my feet to my lower back. Then the testing neurologist inserted an acupuncture-sized needle on some of those same points. This needle is equipped to measure the amount of electrical activity of the muscles at rest and contraction.

The speed and degree of electrical conduction can reveal whether a nerve is healthy, pinched, or damaged. During the EMG portion that uses the needles, the sound should be silent when a muscle is at rest. During my test, every point probed along the L4 root nerve produced static both at rest and during contraction. It was like listening to an AM radio in the desert where every station eludes reception.

Onto a small tangent, my husband told me that one of the treasured memories of his youth was tuning in the Wolfman Jack show broadcast from CKLW in Windsor, Ontario. I’m not sure what sort of voodoo he used to make this happen.  This was no easy feat considering that he lived 240 miles south of that city at the time. In my left leg, it’s like the Wolfman Jack, Captain Beefheart, Casey Kasem and similar worthies have taken a permanent vacation.

Today’s electrical studies showed that my L4 root nerve has some permanent damage. The matter of when and how this happened is debatable. The neurologist told me that it is unlikely that last year’s spine surgery caused this damage because I had six good months of recovery afterward. This nerve endured some degree of compression for 10-15 years before the surgery. Now that I am having problems with an adjacent disc compressing this same nerve, the damage is more obvious.

At this time, there is no certain fix for this damage. A second surgery could relieve this pressure, but I would still have a damaged nerve. Another surgery would also present more risk than the first. This revelation makes me wonder if I unknowingly had a pointless first back surgery. Why in the world didn’t anyone order an EMG test before that surgery? How was it possible to get a spine surgery approved by insurance without such a test?

Before that surgery, I mainly had numbness along that nerve. Looking back, my pain before that surgery was much easier to endure than the flare-ups I have now. It’s like that lumbar fusion surgery awakened a beast that rages at the dying of its light whenever I stand in place for more than a few minutes at a time.

Life has ample opportunity for regret. Alas, I can’t time travel back to early 2017 and cancel that surgery. A part of me needs to believe that one is never in the wrong place at the wrong time, that we are exactly where we need to be right here, right now. It is possible that the need for a back surgery could have become urgent eventually. The longer I might have waited for that surgery, the worst the residual damage to the nerve would have been.

It still blows my mind that I lived in oblivion regarding my lumbar degeneration for more than a decade. That was a time when I could let nothing hold me back, and I was better off striving in ignorance. If I had known about this damage, I don’t think I would have even tried to have the life that I have now.

When I think of this oblivion, I recall JFK’s well-known words about the goal of reaching the moon:

We choose to go to the Moon! We choose to go to the Moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard; because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one we intend to win, and the others, too. (found here)

Creating a self-supporting life for my daughter and me has been my moon shot. While I have been married for a couple years now and have a husband who is a great help to me, it was essential to me that I learn to make it on my own. For five years, my daughter and I lived by ourselves, and we were self-supporting. This was no easy feat.

I face mental and physical adversity that could have made this impossible had I stopped long enough to consider it. Here’s what my MMPI results were when I started my personal moon shot:

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That evaluation was courtesy of the Ohio Bureau of Vocational Rehabilitation. I qualified for BVR services, but I did not pursue the plan they created for me because I would run out of welfare benefits before I finished the additional education and training needed to create a career that accommodated my disability well (and Social Security had denied my disability claim because I hadn’t given “unskilled” labor a try (Wtf?)).

So I signed up for an office temp service and prayed that I’d land in a position that could keep a roof over my and my daughter’s head. Thank God it happened! I blindly began the job I have now, thinking it was a steady data entry desk job. When I arrived, I discovered that I’d be walking through a half-million square foot facility to collect much of the data I entered.

No job is perfect and constantly loved (in that way, I suppose jobs are like people), but my job is fairly ideal for me. I never tire of the mystery of finding a pallet that seems to have sprouted legs and left the building. Or why in the world do we have cases that expire on May 36th?

If I had known how damaged my back was, it is possible that I wouldn’t have tried such things. It is true that I continue adjusting to my nerve pain, but at least I know that I am living a life I have proven is not impossible for me.

Below shows how many steps I walked last week:

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Perhaps I am grating cheese to say the following, but I will endure this road, even though I have moments that are harder than I could have imagined they’d be. I still choose to go the moon. I’m loving this metaphor a bit too much, but there are plenty of moon shots ahead of me, even if I have to sit in a chair part of the time to make it there.

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