My vacation from blogging

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Our first snow of the season is falling outside, an inch-deep Alberta Clipper. I am long past the cozy enchantment of anticipating snow drifts and the like. I’d rather watch it through the safe distance of film or video than experience it firsthand.

I’ve refrained from writing posts for the past couple weeks because I thought that doing so would be akin to pouring salt on a wound. Now that the worst of the nerve pain that plagued me through late summer to mid-November seems to be behind me, I have been quite angry over what happened. I am mad that I waited so long for relief (which, by the way, came randomly with the pulling of a heavy drawer while bent over at an awkward angle).

I am not exaggerating when I say that this interlude of nerve pain was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Maybe there is something in the nature of pain that inclines a person to believe that the latest acute episode is the worst one, sort of a photo negative of one’s love life, how often we hear that a person’s current lover is the best one ever. With that aside, I will tell that I really did feel worse than I ever had.

I am no stranger to pain. I had a radical mastoidectomy, wherein a damaged part of the skull that borders the ear is removed. I was in labor for 44 hours when I had my daughter, and I had no pain medication for 24 out of those 44 hours (and this was back labor). I would add this year’s spinal fusion surgery to this list, but the pain of that procedure and its recovery were nowhere near as bad the preceding two events in this paragraph.

I know that there are millions, if not billions, of people in this world who’ve lived through pain far worse than I have. I can only attest to my own pain, and I am mad when I think of all the effort I devoted to finding a resolution to my recent pain. I don’t think I was taken seriously because I could still walk on my own and keep a straight face while doing so.

It must be hard for orthopedic doctors to understand that the pain of a patient who can work and communicate as normal can be important. In any given day or week, they see patients who’ve been broken through traumatic accidents, people who arrive for their appointments in a wheelchair or on a stretcher. So when someone like me comes knocking, a patient who seems to walk with apparent ease and can report their symptoms in a near-clinical tone, they must be tempted to assume that such a patient is just worried but well. I was not.

After three months of asking for an explanation for why I suddenly felt so bad six months past my surgery, I learned a few things through an MRI and physical examinations. I am healing well from my L4/L5 fusion surgery. This does not surprise me because the pattern of my nerve pain was markedly different than what I experienced in the months leading up my surgery. Back then, I had numbness in my left knee and part of my foot, with flares of sciatic pain that struck at random. This time around, I had awful nerve pain in a band from my outer left hip to the inside of my left knee, only when I stood in place for more than a few minutes or walked more than a hundred yards or so.

It turns out that my L2/L3 and L3/L4 discs have degenerated more in the past year, but neither are in bad enough shape to qualify for more than conservative treatment measures. I also have bursitis in my hip and strain in a tendon that leads from my hip to my knee (ITBS, or iliotibial band syndrome). I’ve been doing physical therapy exercises for the bursitis and ITBS, but the aches and pains of those issues aren’t completely gone.

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I do not yet have clarity on what I can do to prevent further flare-ups of nerve pain. No one has offered me a prognosis or definitive reason for why my orthopedic problems continue. Last year, I heard that my lumbar degeneration is hereditary. This makes sense given that I have several close relatives with similar problems. However, there isn’t enough similarity between our symptoms and course of disease to model a course of action based on what has worked for the others.

I wish I knew if I there was something I am unwittingly doing that could be making things worse, that some qualified person could take me in hand and tell me that I should change my life in such-and-such ways because of my spinal stenosis. It seems I must draw that map myself.

I don’t think I have accurately conveyed how active I must be to lead the life that I do. Both my job and my life at home require all sorts of walking. Below is a chart of all the walking I’ve done since my surgery in March (from my Fitbit account, btw):

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I’ve discovered through long experience that the only sure thing that keeps my depression at bay is walking. I thank God that the chief prescription for my surgical recovery was walking. What would I do if my spinal stenosis progressed to the point when I couldn’t walk much at all? I’d practically need to remake myself.

I’ve watched far too many episodes of Agatha Christie’s Poirot lately. There was something Poirot said in the episode called “Appointment with Death” that is one of the most inspirational things I’ve ever heard:

“There is nothing in the world so damaged that it cannot be repaired by the hand of almighty God.”

3 thoughts on “My vacation from blogging”

  1. It struck me, reading your lovely–and heartbreaking–post that going through stages of injury, treatment, pain and recovery might be like going through the stages of grief. I can’t fully comprehend your feelings around your pain, but I can certainly understand the anger around grief–and it feels like there’s a kinship there. I sincerely hope that you’ll continue to let those of us on your blogging journey in on your experiences. Your words and photos move me–and many others, I’m sure. And I too am enjoying the snow from behind the window glass today! ~ Rebecca

    Liked by 2 people

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